So many people missing, so many people changed. It's odd what a single, solitary summer can do. I didn't realize how big the empty spot would be coming back, and even less so did I realized how much it would hurt. I know the last thing I should be doing is hacking out a "poor little me" blog post and sending it out on the interblag, and I know that most people who would read something like this would be all "Take two aspirin and don't call me in the morning."
There were a lot of people I missed seeing today, and there were a couple of people who I might've missed far more than I care to mention. I'm not going to the anonymous "you" power-trip type thing, as I used to do, leaving messages for people that I should just keep stuffed in the darkest, most daft parts of my idiot head.
Oh eff. "Seasons of Love" just started playing on my iPod. It's one of my favorite songs, but it makes me go all funny, in a sort of melty, achey, longing way. Depending on my mood, it's occasionally enough to make me go all sad and put it on repeat, go sit outside, and have a little cry. But I digress.
So, what do I do when I'm seeking a bit of advice from the spiritual beyond? I draw a tarot card! Except my deck's upstairs and I'm downstairs, so I got a new card from the online Osho Zen Tarot. Guess what all too apropos card I got this time? If you guessed Aloneness, then congratulations, you've won the game! I don't want to list the whole card, so I'm pulling one fragment for right here. "Loneliness is the absence of the other." I agree, in so many different ways.
I realize in posting all of this, I sound weak. I sound like some poor lonely sad-o who can't do anything to help themselves, and instead writes to the few people who may or may not read. And I hate that. I really do. That thought is the one thing that makes my cursor drift up to the little red X button in the corner of the window.
Alright, it's 10:48, I suck at writing endings, and I ought to get a smidgen of sleep at some point. Goodnight!
"then congratulations, you've won the game!" littleradge quote perhaps? If you ever want to talk you've got lots of people at FR including me :)
ReplyDeletePerhaps a littleradge reference. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteThis probably sounds lame, but aloneness is actually one of my favorite cards from that deck. If I remember correctly, it describes that while loneliness is the absence of the other, aloneness is actually the presence of the self, right?
ReplyDeleteThinking of ya. Take care, dear.